The Immeasurable Sadness of Election Day

After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I no longer care who wins this election.  Yes, in a perfect world it would be Barack Obama (and all signs suggest that this may, in fact, be a perfect world), but I suppose I could live with a McCain presidency, as long as he didn't die in office.  But what I really want, I have decided, is for this campaign to go on indefinitely, for what a long, strange trip it's been.

For instance, who is this John McCain person that's been forced down our throats?  Whatever happened to the old John McCain that I respected last year?  If McCain wins, will he go back to being himself, or will he remain the surly, cloistered creature he's been forced to become by, I assume, his campaign coordinators, who have so carefully scripted him in fear of gaffes that the poor man may as well be paraded around in a straight jacket?  Or have they cloned him, and the decent McCain is tied up in a basement somewhere desperate to be free, reliving with anxiety his Vietnam days?  How does he feel about the fact that he's been forced to align himself with Bush, whom he has clearly never liked and who so thoroughly stole his nomination in 2000?  I used to have a lot of respect for John McCain, and may very well have respect again after today, when he (hopefully) becomes himself again, and stops being an over-scripted dog on a leash that's far too short.

And who, pray tell, is this Sarah Palin person.  Where has this thing come from?  Alaska, yes... but two months ago, who the hell knew who this woman was.  No one.  

And, perhaps, rightly so.  Politically, she terrifies me.  Is there really a person anywhere in America who believes she is in anyway qualified to lead this country.  Can anyone, anywhere who knows anything say that with a straight face?  I have a crisp, new dollar bill for you if you can.  So, as a vice president she would be like cancer, or AIDS, or killer bees.  But as a personality?  I think I'm in love with her.  She is born to be a star. She has charisma out the ass.  She's like George W. Bush, but cute, and without the arrogance.  Roger Ebert recently said she was made to host a television talk show.  He's absolutely right.  She's a great entertainer.  That's where she belongs.  In Hollywood... not in Washington.

But the greatest mystery to me, one that may well be answered in time, is how these two people came into contact with each other.  Who on earth told McCain this woman would make a winning ticket?  Did they do it just to martyr him?  Because they did... since she became his VP candidate, his numbers have done nothing but fall.  Maybe John McCain is the victim of a vast conspiracy... follow me here on a tangent.

Let's assume that the Republican party is controlled completely by private investors, business men, lobbyists.  They were able to put a pawn in the White House on 2000, keep him there in 2004, but come 2008, there are no viable cards to throw in there.  No one has the name recognition to beat Hillary Clinton (at this point the assumed Democratic nominee).  Of course, history goes to show Clinton loses the nomination to an upstart young black man from Illinois who is fresh and new and takes the country by storm.  But the Republican nomination goes to McCain, who's wanted it for a long time and could, potentially, win.  Of course, as the campaign wears on, it becomes clear that he won't.  So, in a move of brave foresight, they pick another pawn, this time a female yokel from a nowhere state who used to be a pageant queen and a weather girl and throw her on the ticket with him.  She knows nothing about politics, but she's cute and the people love her and she becomes a rising star while McCain, meanwhile, is forced to fall on his own sword.  Naturally, the American people decide over the course of four years that they are tired of 'change' and in 2012, the Republican party has a fresh, popular new puppet to install in the oval office.  Then, it's back to pulling strings.

That, clearly, is all speculation, but how else to account for such a boldly wrongheaded move?

But, anyway...

I hope Obama wins, I want John McCain to get back to normal, and I want Sarah Palin to stick around.  I think the country needs her, but as a replacement for, say, Mary Tyler Moore.  Hell, she made SNL relevant again... Actually, it may be worth a McCain/Palin presidency just to get more Tina Fey impersonations.

All right, I'm done.  Go vote now (for Obama).  Then come home and write a letter (to NBC, telling them Palin needs her own reality show).  Ain't America grand?